Sorry for the lapse in posting, folks. A rather large non-sports-related project came up so pieces here on 35th Street might become slightly intermittent over the next few weeks. As penance, a Friday twofer of world-hating cynicism by yours truly:

First of all you guys, Gordon Beckham is, like, so awesome, and his hair is totally rad, and he’s good at baseball, and I wonder if he likes Twilight, too, OMG, that would be so cool, and he likes girls!!!! Srsly, I read it in the ppr, I heard he’ll totes txt u if u txt him! [Mouthpiece Sports]

Fawning aside, we turn our attention to a man transforming crests and troughs into gross oversimplification, not interesting like Javier Vazquez and not useless like Nick Swisher: ladies and gentlement, Jose Contreras is the Rex Grossman of Major League Baseball. [Mouthpiece Sports]