If you feared forgetting the difference between winning and outlosing, fear no more.

If you wondered if Kenny Williams and Jerry Reinsdorf were the most brilliant men in the history of baseball, wonder no longer.

If you stay awake at night unsure if a bullpen whose ERA is over 6 is still any good, you may slumber once again.

If you were mistakenly convinced that the real way to succeed in baseball was to score more runs than the opponent, rather than to simply not outunderachieve them, let your erroneous wisdom be corrected.

If you sought assistance in how to have goofy man-crushes on Joe Mauer, Grady Sizemore, and Nick Markakis, look no further.

For in this year, and many more after it, a man shall guide us. He shall explain to us why batting .240 isn’t necessarily a bad thing. He will show us how heart and grit and professional athletes not hating their jobs are reasonable substitutes for fielding a winner. His wisdom will free us from the shackles of the lies that have been told us about what makes a good team, and that the only thing needed for a squad to stand among legends is to either be assembled by White Sox brass, or to have Carl Yastrzemski in the outfield.

That man is Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, whose contract was extended today through the 2011 season.

That whoosh you hear is the sound of journeymen and bust prospects breathing a sigh of relief, for they now know they have a safe harbor and momentary self-esteem boost on White Sox airwaves.