If the season ends badly, and by most indications it will, we can probably call last night’s game the death blow. Horrid scoreless streaks (23 innings) and first-pitch-swinging Hall of Famers are one thing, but when it’s Carl Pavano getting away with punching you in the face repeatedly, you have to think the impending warm weather and long season aren’t going to save you.

To get you up to speed, Pavano’s last few seasons have looked like so:
2008, Yankees: 12 starts, 72 IP, 6-4, 1.264 WHIP, 4.62 ERA
2007, Yankees: 7 starts, 34.1 IP, 4-2, 1.485 WHIP, 5.77 ERA
2006, Yankees: Missed due to a laundry list of super-secret injuries.

Yeah, that guy held the White Sox to three hits last night.

On a more positive note, tonight’s game can’t technically push the Good Guys down the basement stairs; even if they win, the Indians will still have lost more and the Royals will still have played more. So there’s that to look forward to.

(Slogan idea: The 2009 Chicago White Sox: last in everything – except winning percentage [for now]! In your face, Cleveland!)

So how to right the ship? Some helpful suggestions:
Saw the arms off of every pitcher in the American League. Especially nobody rookies and shaky veterans. Also Cy Young-caliber aces, mid-rotation stalwarts and back-end journeymen.
Don’t swing the bat. Ever. Save the upper body the wear and tear. And the shame.
Run on every pitch. Probably their best chance of advancing a runner.
Should you swing, swing for the fences. The Sox have fewer home runs than the Nationals. You know what any team should have fewer of than the Nationals? Losses, embarrassed fans and reasons to hang your head in sorrow, and not an airmailed throw into center more. Officially, they’re in different leagues but in light of what’s happening to each club this season, they’re really not.
Fire Hawk. No, they’re not a World Series-contending team. No, they’re not capable of winning 18 of their next 20. No, they’re not going to surprise us (at least not in any pleasant way). Please stop spreading your lies.