With pitchers and catchers due to report just over two weeks from now, it’s time for the sports press to shake off the rust and get to stretching its arms out, working off a winter’s worth of hibernation-added fat and getting back into summer shape. As the season draws closer, miles and miles’ worth of words will be committed to the larger dialogue in pursuit of defining in advance What This Season Really Means. Presented below, in highly condensed form, are all of them.

So-And-So Has Never Won A World Series
But he wants to win one now, and this sets him apart from the other thousands of professional ballplayers who, like he, have also never won a World Series. But they don’t play for the Sox, which makes them so not special.

Terrible Numbers And A Generally Terrible Performance Don’t Mean Anything
It’s a whole new season, you know. One where Alex Rios isn’t the worst thing to happen to White Sox offense since the previous six centerfielders and Scott Linebrink is totally going to decimate the opposition.

The Injured Guy Won’t Be Injured This Time
Take away 2009, 2008, 2007, and 2003, and Carlos Quentin becomes the model of a healthy ballplayer. Just like this year.

These Two Guys Used To Be Teammates On This Other Team, Too, And That’s Where They Learned How Awesome They Both Are
What were the odds two players would be on the same team in two different cities? I mean, there are only, what, a thousand people playing in Major League Baseball in a given year, and no one ever changes clubs. Ever. Except these two players, and that makes them unique.

The Guy With Something To Prove
This used to be the province of the sputtering prospect of the day (Brian Anderson, Josh Fields, Jerry Owens) or the career backup handed a starting job by default (Dewayne Wise, Rob Mackowiak, Willie Harris). Expect to hear Mark Kotsay answer questions about how ready he is to play every day and to fill the shoes of Jim Thome. (Answer to both: “I’m definitely ready. I’m here to help the team win, and I love playing here.”) Other probables: Andruw Jones, Omar Vizquel, Mark Teahen, Gavin Floyd, Bobby Jenks, John Danks, every non-roster invitee and, for reasons unknown, Tyler Flowers and Paul Konerko.

The Guy Who’s Quietly Worked For The Organization For A Really, Really Long Time
“He was in attendance for both Mark Buehrle’s perfect game and his no-hitter. He was there for Game 2 of the 2005 World Series, when Paul Konerko’s grand slam set up Scott Podsednik’s historic walk-off home run. He was there for Jim Thome’s 500th home run. Carlton Fisk Day. The 2003 and 1990 All-Star Games. But he wasn’t cheering from the seats: Jim Hartman was cheering from his own private booth in Lot F, where he’s sold t-shirts and memorabilia for the past 29 seasons.”

“Best Shape Of His Life”
Liars, the whole lot of them.

Sox Management Has A Unique Relationship, Does Things Its Own Way
It takes a special, unified mind to trot out a DH-less team in the American League.

Sox Management Is Some Kind Of Incompetent
It takes a special, unified mind to trot out a DH-less team in the American League.

There Was This One Controversy One Time
But the two parties are totally over it, unless one party is no longer with the team, in which case it haunts their dreams and slowly murders their waking hours.

No Hard Feelings From The Jilted Ex-Sox Player Making Millions Elsewhere
He’ll always look back fondly on his time in Chicago. From the rear deck of the boat he just bought.