Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and it is after 7am, which means it is getting late. Stop reading this and go celebrate.

But as you go forth to engage in your limey reverie, remember: no matter what they say to the contrary (and believe me, they’ll say plenty) the Irish love you. Even Especially if they hate you. Understand this and the corned beef, Guinness and relentless fiddle and jig will all finally make sense.

Now get out there and punch a stranger. Culturally, of course. Honorary South Side Irishman Bartol O’Colon commands you.